Whenever I’m talking about my job to people outside the tech industry, it can go one of two ways.

They think I’m awesome, or, they stare blankly at me.

Now, the staring blankly generally comes from a lack of understanding about the inner workings of the technology industry, and the thinking I’m awesome will come from a lack of understanding about the inner workings of the technology industry.

You see, startups are great at blowing things out of proportion. Because we lack the organisation and formality of a large corporate, we can say and do whatever the f*ck we like when it comes to the company’s credentials.

And so, we get the chance to make ourselves sound a little cooler than we actually are, while people outside the scene are none the wiser.

Pimp my title

In big corporates, there’s a very clear structure in the management hierachy, and it’s usually pretty simple – the more experience you have, the more education you have, the higher in the hierachy you go.

But in startups, well, if you’re in one, you know the drill – and if you’re not – get this: your new boss will probably ask you what you want your title to be when they hire you.Yep. Take your pick.

Sure, there the crazy names you’ll see occasionally; ‘ninja’, ‘guru’, and even the odd ‘evangelist’ – but there’s the straight-up normal names that people manage to wrangle, too.

Director of this, International Head of that, VP of some other thing – we bandy about these high profile titles, but what do they really mean?

Don’t ask, don’t tell. Apparently, it doesn’t matter where your title came from, all that matters is that you have it, and you can rock it out at any and every appropriate moment. Like when you’re trying to impress your ex-girlfriend.

It’s not to say you don’t have a lot of responsibility and power in the company, it’s just that, well, you’re probably the Director because you’re the only one in your department.

CEO Status in Three Steps

And this leads me to the influx of CEOs hanging around these days. Some are legitimate CEOs – they run a real business with a few employees and customers, they have some funding or profit, you know, they’re legit.

And then there’s the guys who looked at those guys, green with sustainable envy and thought: ‘Why can’t I be a CEO too?’

So, they just went ahead and became one.

They registered a company name. Bought a domain name. Printed off 500 business cards.

‘I’m CEO, bitch.’

Yes, you are, but not really though, are you? Don’t you have to actually have a functioning business to be a CEO? Yeah. Generally.

You can get away with being a faux-CEO for a few months, but people will probably start asking questions. You can stave this off by claiming to be in ‘stealth mode’, as long as you have enough cash in savings to travel to eighteen conferences in a year, pay off doormen at exclusive tech parties and shower your parents with gifts to show them how successful you’ve finally become.

You big, successful CEO, you.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

The only issue with this is that it comes to a point when people within the tech industry stop believing each other.

You hear someone talking about their position and their company, and who knows – they might actually be fo realz, but it’s a classic case of the boy who cried Co-founder. People talk about their over-inflated titles so often, they begin to lose all meaning.

You start filtering things people say to arrive at reality – ‘physical office’ in startup speak could mean the local Starbucks; ‘my executive assistant’ is probably your mom.

But, the fact is, whatever people think of us within the industry, or however little your dad actually understands about what you do – that title is going to look f*cking sweet on your CV.